The Bunny Bites Back!
by Kyia.L.Kenobi
Summary: Its not easy being princess leia's rabbit, especially when you're the only white thing on hoth
1. Disclaimer

As usual I don't own any of the characters blah blah blah, not making any money blah blah blah, if I was I would be published and not on this site.

the A New Hope is on my other id, I signed on so long ago completely forgot what my old email address was so no way of me updating on that one, DOH! Have linked to myself through my fave authors if you want a short cut.


	2. Chapter 1

A long time ago in a hutch far far away... 

**Star Wars**

Episode IV The Bunny Strikes Back

It is a dark time for Little Bunny Foo Foo. Although she destroyed the Death Star, neither her or Chewbacca have received a sniff of a medal and Imperial troops are still pursuing them across the galaxy, all in all a lousy week.

Evading the dreaded backlash from wiping out so many subway franchises in one go a group of freedom fighters led by Luke Skywalker has established a new, not so secret base on the remote, frickin' freezing world of Hoth.

The evil lord Darth Vader, obsessed with finding young Foo Foo, has dispatched thousands of desperately seeking Bunny adverts into the far reaches of the newsstands.

LBFF.


	3. Chapter 2

**Star Date, couple of weeks later **

**Food Bowl status, needs defrosting**.

Am v.v.v.v.v cold, did I mention how NOT a good idea it was to set up a base on the world's greatest supplier of lama milk and wool. Go figure, stupid rebels. Just because they are too cheap to use a car, although they seem to have no problem in providing Leia with endless amounts of hairspray and eyeliner which she then turns on me. Least her new hairstyle is easier on my ears as the buns that she kept putting them in were making them raw. Now she's given me a hair extension plait that is sellotaped to my head. Stupid princess.  
Ooooh check out Leia eying up Random Pirate Guy in the control room, skanky hoe. Don't think he's worked out why all the male humans keep making "we haven't adapted the speeders to the cold" jokes around her. The difference bunny super hearing makes, when she's out of ear shot I can still hear them calling her the rebellion speeder, because she's always got a orange smudge under her, those pilots really should change the colour of their flight suits.  
Did I mention I was FRICKIN FREEZING?  
Short Whiny guy has gotten himself lost again, probably hallucinating as he always does when he's so scared that he wets his pants, Random pirate guy's had to go get him on his lama, Leia's going all swoony again, hope its for RPG and not the lama.


	4. Chapter 3

**Star Date, getting bored of this bit, cant you tell?  
Food Bowl Status, fudgiscle flavour hmmmmm**

Wow didn't know the rebellion was THAT scared of spiders! I mean, I know they are creepy and all, (I have one in my hutch the size of a baby hutt) but to evacuate the whole planet because Random Pirate Guy shot one when he was out rescuing Short Whiny Guy. Speaking of SWG I think he's trying to pull one of those "I'm going escape from this straight jacket whilst under water and blowing bubbles through my nose in tune to I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" thingies. Last count he'd been in that big glass tank three days. Think he's trying to emulate the masked magician disappearing act Big Black Guy and Random OAP did back on the Death Star.

Am quite worried about SWG, his dementia is getting to a very insane level, the other day I caught him pointing his hand at a random female mechanic's jumpsuit shouting "Go Web" very strange. No wonder he never gets a date.


	5. Chapter 4

**Star Date, A few minutes later.  
Food Bowl Status, Nauseous**

SWG out of big glass tank. Leia such a skanky hoe.

**Star Date, movin' day.  
Food Bowl Status, packed.**

Got the feeling letting whiny short guy answer that desperately seeking bunny ad was a bad idea as a bunch of random white guys have descended on the place. You'd think that the rebels would set up camp on a place where the bad guys didn't blend in as well, and we didn't stand out like big traffic cones. Big Hairy Guy peed up against one thinking it was a wall, brings a whole new meaning to the phrase never eat yellow snow. Should advise alliance to hide out on a giant orange.  
Once again am running round under Leia's arm while random white guys shoot the wall. Why does this seem all too familiar, oh well, least I'm not stuck in a cockpit with SWG.  
Walls keep caving in, shoddy rebellion workmanship. RPG is dragging us on his ship, luckily there's enough time for a quick shower, a bite to eat and an episode of 'The Young and The Restless' whilst the random white guys put together a gun out of a Star Wars Lego Technic kit. Good thing we just have to push a button, stupid imperials. Between them and the rebels no wonder this war has gone on for so long.  
Oh look there's Big Black Guy. Still haven't forgiven him for trying to shoot me down at Yavin, although I can see the reasoning behind killing SWG, personally I'm not about to sacrifice my life for the good of the galaxy.


	6. Chapter 5

**Star Date, lost in space (echoey bunny voice)  
Food Bowl Status, the Millennium Falcon's upholstery.**

Once again stuck on the Falcon, have managed to escape to the cockpit because I think that the big furry guy is visualising my backside as a stew again. So here I go chewing a hole in the seat lining, using the renowned technique of concentrating on one spot. Am past the bit that looks like multicoloured sponge cake. You know if I squint the hole looks like General Nadine bending over. Com traffic says that SWG has gotten lost again; you know they really should replace the drink vending machine on his x wing with a real astromech. The joke really has gone too far. But only SWG is stupid enough to think that the cans of Lilt that keep dropping in his lap has co-ordinates to the rendezvous, mind you with all the E numbers on the ingredients who can tell. I heard that last time they had to fish him out of a swampy mud-hole all thanks to a chilled can of Diet Coke.  
Oh asteroids. The fun.


	7. Chapter 6

**Star Date, stupid stupid stupid humans**

**Food Bowl Status, stupid stupid stupid humans.**

Did I mention that I am surrounded by idiots? Well yeah, but this time it takes the pale. Honestly I despair! So here I am working on my patch trying to turn Nadine-bending-over shaped hole into Hutt shaped hole (no small feat) and RPG guy has taken us for an amble into asteroid field. Once again water bowl has fallen on head and I'm getting the feeling that I really haven't progressed two hops from the beginning of the saga, then I hear RPG say:

"I'm gonna get in closer to one of the big ones"

"Closer!" Yeah Leia for once we agree. Whilst I'm musing over the scariness of the fact that something useful has come out of her mouth things get worse and I get so nervous that I pee all over the big hairy guy. Don't think he is particularly happy about it as he is busily turning the oven up to gas mark six, but being pie is the least of my worries for once. You see RPG has decided to set us down, but the humans all miss the big belch the 'cave' lets out as we fly in. Does nobody else smell that??????????? By the great bunny gods someone needs some toothpaste chews or a vet or something cos whatever we've flown into has major halitosis.

Stupid stupid humans. My worst fear was ending up as pie, instead I'm a snack for Earth Worm Jim. Things can't get any worse.

What's that? The ship's broken and Leia's consoling herself by getting out the eyeliner and moving towards me with a grin on her face. I hate you all.


	8. Chapter 7

**Star Date, humans still very stupid **

**Food Bowl Status, the falcon is the food bowl.**

Suddenly have sympathy for the sesame seeds, hope wormy thing thinks I'm one of those icky corny wheaty bits at the bottom that I always scatter around the cage and spits me out. Humans still haven't noticed. Leia got bored with the whole 'lets attack the bunny with hairspray and eyeliner' routine quicker than usual. She's got more of a crafty grin than normal and she's wearing her top with the least blaster burns on it, think she's on the pull.  
Wonder how long it'll take the worm's stomach to eat through the hull and start on me?  
Leia such a skanky hoe. RPG so gullible, am pondering learning Basic just so I can tell him how many times she's used the old 'the valve is too stiff' routine, on second thoughts learning Basic would be good to tell them that WE'RE IN A FRICKIN' WORM!!!!!!!!!!!. Huh? Why has Leia stormed off? Think she's mad that the big golden Buddha interrupted before she could use the wormdoo line. (Writer apologises for the red dwarf ref and admits that in fact she doesn't own that either doh!). Oh RPG you don't know what a lucky escape you've had, been digested for eternity seems nothing in comparison to what she has planned.  
Still haven't figured out what that smell is, stupid stupid humans, I bet they're blaming me. Oh great another strange alien noise, wonder what wants to eat us now?


	9. Chapter 8

**Star Date, closer to sanity then we were five minutes ago.  
Food Bowl Status, outside it rather than in it. Go me.**

Yes good old RPG finally cottoned on. Turns out after a lot of Leia hiding, pretending to be helpless behind the poor bloke the another strange alien noise were in fact George Lucas throwing bits of tea stained blanket and against the side of the ship (man, this worm gets around), anyway after RPG had a word with him and shot the wall pointlessly a few times to convince Leia he was battling something equally random he noticed the wall did in fact move, and bleed and have tonsils. So after soiling his best trousers (damn bunny super nose power) he decided that the star destroyer looked prettier. Another big belch and we're home free, well almost.


	10. Chapter 9

**Star Date, not dead yet**

**Food Bowl Status, back on the upholstery again**

Bang bang bang another space battle, water bowl has fallen on head again, as has golden Buddha. Stupid Hindus, couldn't worship a hamster or something else soft or carrot like. Leia and RPG seem too preoccupied with not being turned into pie to bother to get him off, oh now they're waving at the nice men in grey on that big ship…as we charge them, that's nice, I guess. I hate everybody, yes even you BBG and especially you SWG.

So what's the big plan, anybody…oh pretend to be rubbish, that's a new one. OH COME ON GUYS even random OAP came up with better stuff than that! And they've killed Buddha to top it off, okay it's easier to get him off me now he isn't moving but we'll never reach bunny nirvana enlightenment now. I'm going to be picking my karma out of the woodchip for the rest of the trilogy.

Oh okay, he's not dead, and the plan's worked, kinda. Buddha be praised, Halleluiah, he has arisen.

Still would be nice if we weren't drifting in space in a broken ship. RPG is having a go at fixing it, kinda like Random Pirate guy but he is an example of why men shouldn't take up DIY. Trust me, have been in many wobbly, wonky hutches made by Bail Organa, bodgit and scarper, plc.


	11. Chapter 10

**Stardate, in 1952 columbus sailed the ocean blue, or something like that.**

**Food Bowl Status, its around here somewhere.**

I'm bored, not just a little bored, I'm talking boredom the size of Leia in horizontal stripes size bored. Bored bored bored bored bored bored.

Its not like aimlessly drifting in space, is interesting, even the view is bored, its black black black, star, black black black star black black. Apparently we are actually going somewhere, according to RPG but since the ship is broke without super-speedy-pretty-white-lines-and-bunny-space-sickness drive, it takes us weeks to get anywhere. I hate everybody.

I'm sooooooooo bored.

You know I'm sure we're lost again. That last star looked familiar. RPG is looking shiftier than normal, you know that look humans get, that strained smile whilst they sweat enough water to flood a small planet. It's the answer to all the universe's drought problems, if they made the population of Tatooine suitably lost they'd have lakes and oceans in minutes as they tried to work out which way up the map was supposed to be. If only humans were as super bunny intelligent as me.

Stupid RPG of course refuses to ask the nice imperials for directions, sigh.

Are we there yet?

This is taking sooo long. So long in fact I could travel to a distant planet, meet a short Jedi master, and hideously embarrass myself. While I'm there I also might have time to go through the years of vigorous training, becoming a kick ass enough that I could fight the most feared Sith Lord of them all without being turned into pie. All in the time it takes us to get to RPG's friends planet. I'm sure there's some sad person out there who KNOWS that its really because there's a space time continuum or something around here, probably employed by LucasFilms.

Out of interest where is Short Whiny Guy?

Are we there yet?


	12. Chapter 11

**Stardate, have developed a William Shatner voice and started talking rubbish**

**Food Bowl Status, will be eaten if not filled soon.**

So years later we finally arrive at RPG's friends. Although getting some 'tude down the phone, the normal death threats. Sounds like RPG and his mate have the same relationship as the Organas.

Suddenly I realise that we do in fact know nothing about these people, whether they are vegetarians and such.

But we are landing which is good cos really need to pee. Have been holding it all this time just in case the big walking carpet uses it as an excuse to make rabbit pie.

OMG? Is that, no it can't be! We have been greeted by none other than one of the Jackson Five. Can't remember his name but his clothes give him away. I have also noticed a white cane, which might explain why he's coming on to Leia. Think standing on me wasn't an accident however. Evil bunny hater, must warning RPG not to trust him.

Whilst smooching around Leia however she did order him to get my food bowl filled up.


	13. Chapter 12

**Stardate, judgement day?????**

**Food Bowl Status, Religiously dubious.**

Praise be, think Buddha has arisen/ascended/buggered off. Nobody can find him anywhere. Logically he's probably on a sabbatical. BBG is probably offering him an elephant in order to turn him to the darkside. Sigh. Even so I think its wise to note down these things properly, just in case there's any chance of selling the story to Rabbit Fortnightly and making a small fortune in bunny chocolate drops.

The big scary carpet thing has gone looking for him, no doubt to get the whole thing on a holocam. He's bigger than me so won't sulk too much if he gets the scoop.

Oh he's back with a big pile of junk. Uh oh I think its Buddha. Maybe the kneeling whilst praying was too much for his joints. Hope someone has a screwdriver. Think Leia keeps one strapped to her thigh.

Speaking of which she's decided to do something different with her hair, so naturally the ends of my ears are stapled to my head. And I keep tripping on the loops.

Her fashion sense has improved because she's now wearing what looks like a cross between Random OAP's cloak and a potato sack.

Mr Jackson Five has invited us to dinner

"You truly belong here amongst clouds" Yeah whatever you seventies reject. Am somewhat suspicious as he didn't mention what the main course is. Have a sneaking feeling it maybe pie. Hope he doesn't notice the warm wet patch on the back of his cape. Having to hold it in all this time has made me an even better shot than normal. Go me!

"Having problems with your droid?"

He sensed Buddha's inner turmoil. Wonder whether it was him offering Buddha the elephant. Hope RPG isn't as gullible as I think he is. The look on Mr J 5's face is similar to the one I pulled on him back on the stupid ship.

Hang on a minute, what's Big Black Guy doing here? RPG really is a lousy shot. Using a gun that's attached to a string on BBG's wrist might also not have been wise.


	14. Chapter 13

**Stardate, half way through the trilogy. **

**Food Bowl Status, tortured Pirate. BBQ anyone?**

Turns out BBG was quite miffed when Random Pirate Guy tried to shoot him with his own gun. It was a special one, with the cord attached to his hand so he didn't lose it. Reminds me when Granny Organa bought Leia some of those joined together mittens for Christmas.

Anyway. BBG is soooo annoyed he's decided to barbeque Random Pirate guy. All's fair I think. However he has not furnished me with a food bowl and squeaky toys like last time despite the fact I had nothing to do with the mitten incident.

Walking flea breeding ground is playing his music very loudly, the hairy thing is trying to sing along and dance badly. He's got a glow stick hidden between his paws.

For once I agree with Leia. This whiney car alarmly music sucks.

Ohhhh RPG is back. Thought he'd be pie by now.

Am still not sure what I have done to upset BBG. He's been in a foul mood ever since we had that space battle. Maybe he got scared of the fireworks.


	15. Chapter 14

**Stardate, oh who cares**

**Food bowl status, merchandised**

BBG smarter than I first thought. Obviously has decided to get rich by merchandising RPG guy and selling him to art collectors. Has made a wall freeze out of him. Leia seems upset. For once I don't blame her; fibreglass is so tacky. I heard whispers that he was going to be used as a jelly mould (that's jello for you yanks out there), which could be quite surreal. Something disturbing about eating RPG shaped desserts. Rather him than me, still better than pie.

I am rather fond of the hairy guy's Buddha backpack. It seems he has embraced the true religion, well one of them anyway.

Hey where's everybody going? That's right, leave the defenceless bunny with the bad guy. If only that nice gay hobbit had bought me instead.


	16. Chapter 15

**Stardate, April 3****rd****, Christmas advertising starts.**

**Food bowl status, missing a limb.**

Laughed so hard that I dribbled stuff out of my nose. Will start from the beginning.

After I got abandoned guess who turned up. That's right Short Whiny Guy finally turned up, a few scenes late is better than never I guess. The boys get out a few torches and start bitch slapping each other. The end result is a window gets broken and someone turns the air conditioning up (ceiling fans so tacky) and BBG and SWG so weedy that they get blown out an open window. I follow because I'm nosey and hoping for a window box with some dandelions in it (no such luck). Felt sorry for poor BBG cos he was only trying to offer him a hand back in the window and SWG starts crying like a baby. BBG gets so annoyed at him that he shouts 'shut up and get me a beer, then go to your room". Then it hits me! Big Black Guy is SWG's father!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Am still laughing. BY THE GREAT BUNNY GODS SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!!

Am plummeting off the ledge I was sitting on. HHHEEEELLLLPPPPP. Blaming fit of giggles. SWG has no excuse. Good thing he had his mobile on him so he could call Leia and they could come and pick us up.


	17. Chapter 16

**Stardate, the end of this part of the saga.**

**Food Bowl Status, minus salsa.**

After picking us up, random pirate guy suddenly remembers where the rest of the rebels are. Rebels so lazy. By the time we'd got there they'd finished up the last box of fero roche, and half a bag of dorritos. They didn't even save us any dip. Hope they end up as pie. Since I haven't had any descent food in ages I was most miffed, but I figured since the dorrito crumbs I ate were lime flavoured they will stop me getting scurvy. However SWG cheered up and finally took his hand from out of his sleeve, which didn't last for long because some random machine decided to start poking his hand with a pin.

Once again the rebels shown their lack of judgement by hiding out somewhere white. (see prev notes) but at least its not cold. I can hide in corners and make people trip over me in this place without freezing.

Apparently there's a big party somewhere on the Kessel run, but girls aren't invited so me, Leia and SWG have been left behind while the walking carpet and Mr Jackson 5 go off with the spaceship. If they crash it drink driving RPG will not be impressed (after he finishes his career as a jelly mould). Now don't get me wrong and glad to be shot of them but there's something very strange about a load of drunk guys in one small space.

Anyway, hopefully they'll give me some time to recover before hauling me over the galaxy again. Least I managed to escape without being turned into pie.


End file.
